What I AM NOT SAYING…

by drtodd on July 24, 2010

Dear readers, I received this very heartfelt and poignant composition from a person in early recovery from a severe addiction which ruined his life.  He is in a lot of pain and very humble, and this composition is part of his healing.  And though you may be far, far beyond this, and strong as steel, there may be something in here that strikes a chord in your heart and may be of help.  I think it is beautiful and sincere and want to share it with you today.

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING

Don’t be fooled by me.  Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.  For I wear a mask.  I wear a thousand masks, masks I am afraid to take off, and one of them in me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.  I give you the impression I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water’s are calm and I am in command, and I need no one.  But don’t believe me.  Please! My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my masks, my every-varying and ever-concealing masks.  Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.  The real me is sometimes beneath in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness.  I panic at the thought of my weakness and being exposed.  That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated façade to help me to pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.  But such a glance is precisely my salvation, and I should know it.  That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, by love.  It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built walls, from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.  It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself—that I’m really worth something. I know now, I need others, and I need the help of Divine Intelligence.

But I do not tell this.  I am afraid to; I don’t dare.  I’m afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I am afraid you will think less of me; you will laugh, and laughter would kill me.  I am afraid deep down I am worth nothing; I’m just no good, and you will see this and reject me.  So I play a game, with a face of assurance without, and a trembling child within.

And so the parade of masks begins, the glittering but empty parade of masks.  And my life becomes a front. I glibly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.  I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing that is everything of what is crying within me.  So when I am going through my routine, do not let anyone be fooled by what I am saying.

Please listen carefully and hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be saying; what for survival, I need to say, but what I cannot say.

I dislike hiding.  Honestly, I dislike the superficial game. I am playing the superficial phony games. I would really like to be genuine and spontaneous, but you have got to help me.  God, please hold out your hand, even when that is the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can wipe from my eyes, the blank stares of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.  Each time you’re kind and gentle, an encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings—very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.  With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want to know that. I want you to choose to believe in my and yourself as well.

Perhaps, you, God, alone can break own the wall behind which I tremble.  You alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison.  So, do not pass me by.  Please do not pass me by.  It will be easy for you to help me, to help anyone, for I have Faith in your power over all, even my own seemingly hopeless insecurities. I know that you can help, and I will pay it forward a thousand times as I heal. I know you know that too.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the more I may resist.  It is irrational, but despite what the books say about human beings, I am irrational.  I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope—my only hope!  Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but gentle hands—for a child is sensitive and like all of us I am a child within.

WHO AM I, YOU MAY WONDER?

I AM SOMEONE YOU KNOW VERY WELL,

FOR I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET AND I AM EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET.

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Dear Readers, First let me say thank you to the many, many people who kindly responded to my request for readers of my newest and 15th book, The Evolution Angel:  Gaia’s Vision. The offer is still open by the way, so feel free to email me at evolutionangel55@gmail.com if you would like me to send you a copy in Word format, including color cover.

Second, I did something this year I haven’t done for about 15 or 20 years. It is my birthday on July 25th. I’ll be 59 years young. Normally, I say nothing to anyone, then sit at home and feel vaguely sorry for myself that “nobody likes me. etc ect.”  USELESS. So, this year I sent out an email to all my friends just telling them it was going to be my birthday.  And you know what happened?  Why, by golly, they set up a party for me, via Glyndon Ruth and Ken Kimbrough DDS, fellow members of the New Thought Center for Spiritual Living. And my best buddy here, Dr. George Spady MD and his fantastic wife Anne, are taking me out to dinner.  Wow, that feels a LOT better.

The lesson, is DON”T be like I have been. PLEASE!  You are a child of God. Put away any notion you have that you are unworthy, or whatever and celebrate yourself. YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!!!  Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. YOU!  Look at all the things you have done for others and how ready and eager you are to make others happy. You are great, really, really great and you should never “hide your light beneath a bushel.”

I doubt there is a single solitary person out there that would take the time to read this kind of blog, that isn’t extremely generous and kind and loving–to others. But don’t forget yourself in the process.  You are a great guy, a great gal, too!  Heck, throw a party for yourself!  Send out invitations:  ”I’m inviting you to a party I’m giving to myself to help my self-esteem. I love you and I want to thank you for helping me be a better person.” Or, “I’m giving a party, for myself! And YOU have helped make me a great person. I want to have an opportunity for us all to celebrate it together and then have one for YOU.”   Or ask someone to do it for you.  You might be amazed.

Don’t sit at home, not ever, and feel sorry for yourself.  No matter how bad it gets.  It doesn’t help anyone. But don’t just say to yourself “Stop that!”   That is useless too.  Your inner child needs to be treated, well… like a child. And you don’t just tell a child to stop something, because that won’t work. You have to give them another direction to channel their energies.  Instead, try to gently, yet consistently steer your thoughts to more positive ones. Get out a piece of paper and write down all the good things about YOU.  Then, carry it around with you and contemplate it regularly. NO, it is not self-serving, or egotistical, or narcissistic or any such thing. That is pure nonsense. It is just plain old good positive, healthy thinking. It helps everyone around you.  And that is the truth, from a genuine old (young!) Iowa farm boy.

This is so critical to do because you can only help others to the degree that you have helped yourself.  If you are feeling like you ARE a great person, that will radiate from you, vibrate from you, as though from a radio tower.  It’s really that powerful.  And those positive vibrations will be received by others and automatically help them feel more positive about themselves in many subtle ways.  So many of us in this new movement, of positive thinking and so forth, have a sort of subconscious sense of guilt about really feeling we are great.  ”It’s not humble,” we say to ourselves somewhere way deep down inside, where we can’t even hear ourselves sometimes.

No, humility is fantastic, one of the greatest qualities a person can have, and I am all for it.  But there is a thing the Twelve Step groups call “Being Right-Sized.” That means, being neither too big or too small.  Both are a kind of lie.  Besides, the reality of it is that some of the most narcissistic, bloated egos out there, are actually people who for one reason or another have been made to feel like they are inadequate, flawed, worthless, even “too egotistical.”  As a result, they overcompensate in amazing and disgusting ways by puffing themselves up in ways that seem ridiculous to everyone else around them.  It does’t work. I have personally been able to help some people with “ego problems” by helping them realize their true positive qualities deep down inside. Because deep down inside they are crying out, screaming out, “I’m not good enough!”

Today make it a priority to put first things first.  And the very first thing you can do to effectively help this world along, is to feel good about yourself, feel GREAT about yourself. THEN, and only then, can you be an effective conduit of the Universe to channel good, strong, positive, healthy energy to those around you.  I’m telling you. It’s the truth. FIRST THINGS FIRST.  FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF. It’s OK. It’s way OK. It’s better than OK.

IT’S REQUIRED!!!

As a child of God, yep, you are literally responsible, RESPONSIBLE, to feel good about yourself.

CELEBRATE YOURSELF AND YOU WILL BE CELEBRATING THE WORLD, CELEBRATING ALL AROUND YOU, HELPING ALL AROUND YOU, HEALING ALL THAT COME IN CONTACT WITH YOU.

Finally, my son showed me what might be the best website I’ve ever seen to help hunger.  You log on to it, click this button, and it automatically feeds a hungry child for the day.  The advertising around the button, which is also for good causes, pays for the food.  And, you can click to sign up for them to remind you to feed one child everyday.  I did. Why the heck not?? TheHungerSite.com Easy as pie.  No gimmicks.

Namaste, Great One! Dr. Todd

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