DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

All of us have to deal with people in our lives, from time to time–people who make things even more difficult for us than they already are. Sometimes, we can even fall prey, innocently enough, to the machinations of people who are sociopathic–who are not who they say they are precisely, or to people who are mean or unforgiving.

I have received a great deal of wise counseling on this matter over my lifetime from a multitude of great ministers, teachers, mentors, and colleagues. What I have learned can be summarized fairly easily and it is nothing new.

Whenever you encounter a person who hurts you, cannot forgive you, condemns you, rejects you, fails to show human compassion and understanding, or otherwise goes out of their way to make your life miserable, realize that these people are in pain.

People that act like this, in our experience, are almost invariably people that lead loveless lives. Deep within, they are in great pain, isolation, loneliness, and conflict. They seek, almost more than anything in the world to experience true intimacy, love, family, friends, and warmth in their lives, but they have somehow failed. They are in agony within, often completely unaware of this fact, and they take it out on others around them.

Perhaps it is because they are afraid of what that intimacy would mean. Perhaps it is because of abuse they suffered as children. Perhaps it is because they are almost genetically hard-wired to respond to other people’s suffering and problems with coldness and judgment. Perhaps they are depressed or experiencing anxiety and fear.

There are any number of reasons that people can act as if they are “mean” or cold, or judgmental. But at the end of the day, the reason, per se, does not make any difference to you. It is only your reaction to this kind of mental violence–and it is a kind of mental violence, however quietly stated–that you can control.

I recently watched a good friend undergo a terrible mental lashing and rejection from an elder. She knew this was coming and what she said about how she was going to handle it taught me a lot. Rather than arm herself with a lot of similarly spiteful and cutting comments to “fight back,” she told me that her goal was to be “the bigger person.” “I want to react only with peace,” she told me, “because that is the only way that I will end up feeling peaceful myself.” As a result, she simply took her beating quietly and with amazing grace and maturity, never once lashing out or making any attempt to “fight back.”  Then she turned to her other mentors, who were more stable, loving, and mature in their attitudes.  The result:  Her life got better, not worse.

Breaking the cycles of violence have been the focus of most of world’s most influential teachers, Christ, Budda, Ghandi–there are many examples. The phrase, “Turn the other cheek” is perhaps one of the most difficult things in the world to accomplish, but it is only by doing this that we can do our own small part to diminish the violence and confusion and hatred that dwells within others.

Remembering that these people are in their own way “sick” and in psychic and emotional pain themselves, can help a great deal. Fighting rarely has any benefit as we all know, and sometimes the wisest thing is to be like my friend, to try to be the bigger person, and simply refuse to react.

It is so difficult as to seem impossible sometimes. Yet it can be done.

I don’t want to come off as a Pollyanna that believes that you must never fight back when an injustice has been committed. Sometimes, it is your civic duty, for example, when you observe a crime, or are the victim of a crime, to report this, so as to protect yourself and your fellow citizens.

How can you tell the difference? Get some advice. Don’t try to figure it out yourself. Get the opinions of at least three other good people, people who are at peace within themselves, people who you seek to be like, people who have already mastered the art of refusing to react to violence with violence automatically. People who have good, solid loving relationships, and love within their own lives. Such people are hard to find sometimes, to be sure, but we all know a few. Run the situation by them and get some words of wisdom and some support. I promise you this: If you ask–for this kind of wisdom–you will receive it. And your life will steadily become more peaceful. The people in turmoil and pain that want to cause you and others pain will fall away naturally, and you will be left with supportive, healthy, happy people to help you live your life with the kind of happiness and peace of mind you seek within your soul.

Dr. Todd