How to Help Another in Trouble in a Nutshell

In my last blog, I talked about the perils and pitfalls of codependency, of getting yourself involved in other people’s problems and in giving unsolicited advice and so forth.  I promised to follow this up with a brief guide to giving healthy advice, being a good friend when someone has a problem, and not falling prey to the tempting and “natural” tendencies we have, (oh yes, me too), to becoming overbearing, codependent, and meddling.

To begin, I will give you an example: I had a client who was contemplating whether to have a surgical procedure or to let his condition heal naturally, was deeply depressed, doing something in his life that I did not “approve of”, had become addicted to pain medicines, and had numerous other disturbing and very painful problems which I empathized with strongly.  I “knew,” or at least thought I knew, a whole lot of great advice that would surely “help him.”  But he did not ask me about any of these things. I caught myself dwelling on his problems—blatant codependency.  So, I wanted to invite him for coffee, sit down with him and have a “little talk” with him so that I could tell him all about what I thought would surely help him.  I felt frustrated, even a little insulted that he would not ask my opinion, even though I was highly experienced and “knew” all about the nature of his problems and their solutions.  What was I to do?

In another circumstance that was presented to me, I had a friend from another area of the country that had a very serious problem.  The friend had gotten, through innocent inexperience and naïveté, into a situation in which they ended up getting hurt, very badly. I want to try avoid falling into the pitfall of judgment by saying that the circumstances were heinous or sociopathic, only God has the authority to judge such things, but simply that they were extremely painful and unfortunate for everyone involved.  This person was considering taking legal action, doing some other things to help including psychotherapy, and did want my advice—wanted me to help decide what to do.  What was I to do?  I have seen people file a “well justified” lawsuit, for example, and they will end up “winning,” and do OK.   But I’ve also seen some people “win” and end up creating even more problems for themselves down the line. I’ve even seen, by extension, at least three people win the entire state lottery, and one or two years later, their lives had completely fallen apart.  They had lost their purposes in life, their careers, their meaning, couldn’t trust many of their “friends,” even family, who now seemed more interested in their money than their friendship, even lost their spouses–who could not tolerate being with someone who was rich and seemed to now “own” them and the place they lived in, and had the power to do anything they wanted any time with no discussion.  At least two ended up on antidepressants and had serious suicidal thoughts. All were miserable and had lost all the love in their lives.  Tragic.  So, “winning” a conflict, or a lot of money, or a lot of prestige, or a lot of, well, anything, may not necessarily be in someone’s best interests down the line. We as simple human beings cannot see that far ahead.

In this situation I was not only sorely tempted to judge the party that had hurt my friend, but also tempted to encourage her to “go after them,” that “they deserved it,” etc.   But on second thought, I realized that little Dr. Todd has no idea whatever what the ultimate outcome of any action might be, and that except for supporting the friend emotionally, which was very very important indeed, it was basically none of my business.  Two years from now, I do not want to have on my conscience, the realization that I may have contributed to the ruination of a great person’s life by rashly and ignorantly giving cavalier “advice.” I’ve seen more than one person “win” a lawsuit and end up in worse shape than they were in in the first place.  These things can get really tricky.   What IS the best thing for me to do in this situation?

THE BASICS OF HELPING SOMEONE ELSE

1) The very first thing to do when a friend has a problem or worry or difficulty, is to do nothing. That is correct.  Don’t do anything—to them at least.  First, work on yourself to make sure that YOU are in a high enough place that will enable you to pull them up to a higher state of consciousness. Now, if you are yourself troubled, this does not necessarily mean you cannot help someone else at all.  I’m not saying that.  In fact, being in pain yourself might even have some advantages to helping you reach another troubled person, helping you to be able to actually empathize effectively.

What I am saying is that no matter where you are, in a good place or in a not so good place, make sure that your faith, your hope, your belief that something better can manifest, for you, is in good shape. Center yourself.  Meditate if necessary.  Ideally, get some great exercise to clear out the cobwebs in your body, and then clear as many conflicts and confusions as possible from your own heart and soul.  Remind yourself of the obvious:  There is a loving, personal presence in the Universe that cares and responds to our thoughts and prayers.  Access this presence and do all that you know to maximize your relationship with Divine Intelligence regarding all your own states of affairs.  Only now, are you are ready to help someone else.

2) Second, wait to be asked.  This is not a hard and fast rule, but in general, a pretty good one to observe.  There may be circumstances in which you become aware that a friend or loved one is having pain and trouble.  But perhaps they are too proud, or too shy, or to “unworthy,” or too depressed to reach out.  There is nothing wrong necessarily with reaching out to that person and offering your support, in a very generic kind of way.  When this happens, it’s OK, advisable even, to at least call this person and just say, “Is there anything I can do to be a good friend?”  Then BE QUIET AND LISTEN.

For sure, and I know this from actually working in the trenches of the healing fields and ministry for over thirty years, the very first thing that is advisable is just to listen.  That doesn’t mean just being absolutely silent, of course.  Many people are shy or proud and will not want to elaborate on their problems.  It is OK, even admirable and advisable, to get them to elaborate on their statements.  “Tell me more about what you are going through, I’m really interested.  I really care.”  (And mean it) Get them to talk as much as possible about them, without giving ANY advice of any kind.

Say things like, “I can’t imagine how you must feel, but I really want to know.  Maybe you are feeling worse than you are telling me.  How bad do you really feel?”  Reassure them repeatedly, and MEAN it, that what they are telling you will be going into your own psychic vault.  That you will never repeat anything that they are saying to anyone else. And under no circumstances break your promise.  This is always disastrous, always gets back to them, it seems, and never fails to keep them from confiding in you again.

3) Go with the person who is in pain, deep down into their pain, into their own personal hell, their own life of quiet desperation, and STAY there with them for a while. Even if you were to do this alone and stop, doing nothing more–this alone can suffice to do wonders.  In fact, in some cases, stopping here might even be a good idea.  But make sure you really go with that person into their pain and just BE with them there.  This first critical step in interacting with the person you are seeking to help is so often neglected as to be shameful.  Even trained psychotherapists and physicians can’t seem to do this sometimes. But it is absolutely critical.  When you go with that person, into their space of trouble, you are performing an act of authentic love and compassion, and this NEVER fails but to help and to prepare you for the next step.

Take your time. If you don’t have time, MAKE TIME.  Ask them questions to get them to open up about how they really feel at the deepest level. Most of us are just chomping at the bit to TELL the other person how to solve their problems, render our “correct” opinions and advice, or in the worst case to silently–or not so silently– judge them in some subtle way—without even taking the time to listen to the full extent of their problem.  Ridiculous.  And wholly ineffective.

4)  Next, continue to restrain yourself from telling them what you think they should think or do.  Instead, once you have accomplished the above—which again will by itself suffice, in many cases, to bring about considerable comfort and help—think of a situation in your own life, past or present, that is analogous and/or relevant, to what they are going through.  Talk about your own experiences and how you solved them, how Grace helped you through. Talk about how you survived. How you made it through.

Concentrate to some degree on the spiritual aspects of how you survived your own trial of life.  Remind them that, in the end, it was your letting go and letting God that helped you the most.  Remind them of the obvious—that the more you put the situation into God’s hands, the better things got.  Concentrate on how you felt, and how hard it was for you to get through.

5) Now and only now are you ready to render “advice.”  And how exactly do you do this?  If possible wait to be asked for your opinion.  Or, if they are very confused and in turmoil, ask them politely if they would care to know what you think, if they would like some polite advice.  Ask.  Do not assume. Never assume that someone else wants your opinion. If they decline, be graceful and mature.  Don’t be pouty and insulted.  That is highly inappropriate.  Remember that having performed the preliminary steps outlined above has already done a great deal of good.  Maybe enough.

If they respond affirmatively, immediately, and I mean immediately, ask God, however you conceive of Him/Her to help guide you so that you only render advice that will bring about, in the final analysis, beneficial and healthy results. Be very very careful here.  Keep reminding yourself that you have absolutely no way of knowing what the ultimate consequences of any decision may be in the end.  Life has some really peculiar ways of taking what appear to be “good decisions” and turning them into weird curve balls that end up causing all kinds of mischief and damage months or years later.

Very often the best advice is to turn the question around the other person and say, “This is a decision that you and only you can or should make.”

Ask them if they have done the really obvious things. You would not believe how many people sort of assume they have done the obvious spiritual basics like “Inviting God into the situation,” praying and asking for guidance, and taking a few seconds or a few minutes several times a day to “see,” what things would look like when the problem is solved.  I can attest to the truth of this.  About ten years ago, I had a spiritual adviser once that I would call when I had a really bad problem.  His answers were so consistent and so reliable that after a while I didn’t even have to call him physically.  I could just picture him in front of me, ask him my question and he would ask these simple but very powerful things:  Have you actually sat down and literally asked God to help you with this?  Or have you just assumed this because you think you are some kind of  “expert, because you write books about this stuff?”  “Have you actually taken even ten seconds to picture in your mind exactly how things will look and feel when the problem has resolved?”

This guy was really good.  And I mean really good.  He refused to make any decisions for me, or to even lean me in one direction or another.  He was much too wise.  Instead, he would just ask me those two questions.  Then, he would tell me to go.  “Go and ask God, go picture what things will look like exactly, feel like especially, when things get better.  Only then, call me back after you have done these things.”

Nine times out of ten, I didn’t have to call back.  That is how a lot of the really great ones are.  They are not anxious to render their opinions.  They are very reluctant to give anyone any “advice” on anything.  They know too much about the way things really work.

I hope this helps.  It can help make you a really great friend, the kind of friend that people cherish and admire and want to hang with. It is distilled wisdom that I have received from a lot of really great people through my life, and have the distinct obligation to pass forward.  A lot of people have spent a lot of time working with me, as they have with you. If the results were good, then they were all sent by God.  They were all, in a very real sense, angels.  Angels are just “messengers,” by definition, and they may very well take the form of caring, compassionate human beings.

Be an angel! And don’t forget to have some fun today and get some exercise for gosh sakes!  It’s summer!  And don’t forget to have some fun today and get some exercise for gosh sakes!  It’s summer!